I have a month left of being 49 or 33 days to be exact. To be honest it hasnt been my greatest year. I am hoping the next one is. There is much potential for this to occur next year and for all of my wishes to come true; the wants, the needs, the hopes and the dreams can all fit nicely into my 50th year and beyond. And as for my 49th year, meh, I wouldnt wish to relive it, its been a bit tough to say the least. 14 hour days are becoming ever so unappealing, finding the right help to get Matt better weighes heavily on my mind for most of everyday, the pain of my husband’s best friend’s death has not lessened as the months have gone by and my husband remains very sad and grieved, like his light has been dimmed and the financial strain of carrying two houses is taking its toll so I cannot wait now to sell our Melbourne property later this year to release the tension of this.
But even on a day of wallowing, there is always something to be grateful for. There is always the hope that tomorrow will be better. I know I am truly blessed, I know I have a wonderful husband and family who love me and I abslolutely would not want to change where I live now but today I am having a gloomy day and wallowing in a bit of self pity which I do very rarely. What bought this on you might ask?
I stuffed up badly an interview which made me cry. I self-destructed so embarrassingly that it’s going to take a while to get my courage up to do it all again. I think when you want something so desperately, the very thought of not getting it cuts you to the core and the pressure that comes with that thought becomes so great that if you do not succeed you know you will have to do this whole process again and again. Somehow my nerves overcame me and I managed to lose my grip so badly that I walked out of that interview never feeling more mortified in my whole life. Knowing that I have spent every waking hour and weekend for the past 8 months applying for local jobs is why I was so mortified. I know there will be more jobs, I know I have to just keep turning up and I know that one day one will be mine but for now I think I need to take a break and have a bit of fun thinking about my life going into its fiftieth year…and just relax for a little bit.
And so, as I close the door on my forties, I look back at another decade of hard work mixed with both wonderful experiences such as our big life move from Melbourne to our beautiful coastal retreat mixed with more personal painful experiences that I have buried deep away but also marvel in the knowledge that I did the very best I could amongst those hard times and that I grew stronger as a person and now as I close my forties away and look ahead to begin a new decade I am moving into a different phase of my life which has formed a new perspective on life, health and work. Some of which I will leave with you here:
Life is meant to be fun – go live it. The saddest thing at the end of your time here on earth would be to look back with any regrets. Live those dreams, work at making them come true. Take the time to explore your beautiful world and surrounds. When you stop and take a moment we really do live on such a beautiful planet. Go for a walk, get off your computer, turn off the TV, take your camera somewhere to the local park or beach. Organise a picnic or take a stroll, just go…somewhere new. Stop stressing about things which you have no control over. If you can do something to change a situation do it then move on, don’t dwell on the past, its there for a reason and meant to be left there. If your life is not how you want it to be work towards changing it, one step at a time, just begin to do something and the rest will follow. Don’t take life so seriously and when it gets you down or people get you down, get back up again and walk in a different direction if you have to but make sure that every day you give yourself a reason to smile.
Our health is the most important thing we own, I am learning not to poison myself with the processed, chemically enhanced rubbish we are led to believe is real food. Every ailment which is wrong with us starts from what we place into our bodies everyday. Don’t buy into the marketing of the big pharmacuiticals, dairy and beef industries who are making billions at the expense of human collatoral, do your own research and take care of the only body you have.
And work – if I had my life over again I would do something that I loved and make a career out of that – find your passion and then you will never work again a day in your life. If you are miserable in your job, move on to another and while you are searching change something (even your attitude) which will make your days easier. I am going to explore the next decade with my writing, blogging, mybeachretreat, coaching and all the things which make me happy. It will be an organic work in progress of which I do not yet know where it will lead me but the drive is there so write I will…
I am hoping that the things I have learned up to now will keep me in great shape for another decade of my life. I am slowly changing the way I eat and trying to choose organically or fresh foods first. I am learning to go back to eating full fats, butter, full cream etc and only look for grass fed produce. I still reach for the sugar in times of stress which is one deamon I need to tackle once and for all over the next year. Once my life slows down when I am working close to home I hope I can learn to live without this crutch.
My sister is visiting this weekend and when we always get together we have wonderful discussions on the spirit world, angels, astrology, life and the future. She bought along her Tarot cards so I had a reading – I pulled out the Star, the Sun and my overall card was the World cards plus the Two of wands and the Four of wands.
The World card indicates that ‘‘All good things come in time. What goes around comes around. The only thing we can be sure of is change. The major Arcana card of the world is about completion. Finally reaching a goal that you may have at times thought was out of reach forever. You are now at a point in your life where you can sit back and feel a sense of achievement. You worked hard to get here, time to enjoy the fruits of your labour”.
The Sun card reveals Light, optimism and good times. A strong sense of well being and happiness prevails. Perhaps you have finally achieved a long awaited goal.
The Star card is one welcomed with the sweet longing of dreams. This card does not hold the energy of action and sudden changes, but rather one of passivity and waiting. When The Star comes, a wish has been placed, a dream has been thought, and the intent has been placed unto the Universe
What a fabulous spread laid out before me, all indicating the future will be just fine, that I have laid the foundation of my dreams and now just need to wait until the full circle is complete and that the journey I am on and goals I have put forth will all come together shortly, so not to worry. As I contemplated these beautiful cards I laughed at myself, I have always thought I was a patient person but I see now that what I have been wanting is all sewn up in a certain time frame within a 12 month period, to which the universe is responding – ‘its done on my time, Janine, not yours” – so that reminded me to laugh this week off, remember that this current struggle is such a minute part of the whole of my life even though it seems like its taking forever its a reminder to relax, know that what I want is coming in its own good time and just enjoy the journey along the way…
So, from where I am sitting… my 50th year in this playground is looking pretty good as long as I dont get ahead of myself and trust that the universe has it all worked out.