I saw something today which reminded me of you Mum, it was a candle with ‘White Linen’ scent and as I held it up to smell for a mere second it took me back to a world full of scents of you I loved as a young girl growing up.

Its been quite a while since we last spoke in person, I often speak to you inside my head but no longer face to face as you left us on the 14th January 2002. The holes in our hearts were so wide and raw for such a long time. I remember telling Michael who was contemplating on moving out of Milton Street at the time, to just stay a while longer and take care of Dad while he grieved your loss. Little did we know that not six months later we were saying goodbye to him too.

I remember the day you transitioned like it was yesterday.

 For five long years you fought the hardest fight with cancer ravishing your body, you didn’t want to leave us and kept fighting even though your strength in the end was worn down, I know you didn’t give up Mum, but God must have wanted you there for when Michael’s time came.

I often wonder…

are you happy and at peace?

Is it just like I imagine heaven to be, full of the most peaceful, and radiant warm light where all you can feel is love and total joy?.

 If this is true Mum, then I am glad you are there as you suffered badly on this earth with terrible health most of your married life.  It was hard to watch that as I grew up and now that my life is finally where we want it to be, I often think of you struggling with the six of us and your ill health but know you always did the best you could.

I think you would love where Bill and I are now, down by the sea.  I often think if you and Dad were both still here, you would be down often. I know for sure that Dad would love the Clifton Springs beach, the solitude and the beauty it beholds. I also like to think you would love my beautiful home as much as I do.

I bet you are as proud of the kids as I am.  They were only twelve and eleven years old when you left and now are fully grown.  Mel sometimes catches me with a look of her grandmother, her beautiful high cheekbones are your trademark and her perfectly defined lips are often painted with bright red lipstick, just like her grandmother used to wear. Mel is doing so well, living in Melbourne on her own, fiercely independent and following her passion and gift, her art. I do not doubt she will forge ahead confidently and creatively within this arena.

Matt is still living with us, with a few health issues he is yet to overcome.  If you can pull a few strings up there Mum to help these become less of a burden for him, I would be forever grateful.  I’m trying my best down here to support and guide him through it all but we still have a way to go. Matt is 25 now, I know…hasn’t that gone so quickly?  He looks like Dad did as a young man, such a comparable resemblance in both looks and quiet disposition.  It seems like both of you have left your marks as the bloodline has carried on.

Bre and her beautiful two children Joshua and Amy live not far from us and Bill and I are having a wonderful time being Grandparents to these adorable children.  It is true what they say that being a Grandparent is a gift, being able to revisit the beauty and innocence of children once more is a joy.

Next birthday I will turn 51.  The years are beginning to pass quickly now. Bill is talking about retiring in a few years time, my goodness it only seems like yesterday we were in our thirties with our children young, racing around to visit you every Mother’s Day.

That is why I thought of you tonight Mum, tomorrow is Mothers Day and another year I don’t get to race around and see you or Bill’s mum.  All of the celebrations, Christmas & Easter are a lot quieter these days…although I do like to carry on traditions just as you did, I don’t ever want the Thomson traditions to die.

I have to go now Mum, thanks for popping into my head as often as you do.  Sometimes when things get tough and I get a little teary I still wish you were here just to tell me, I am doing fine, that everything is going to work out and I must admit sometimes when I hear of people my age or older telling stories of their mothers who are still alive, I get a little twang of envy and want to tell them to make every moment count even when there are times they may not feel like visiting or calling or spending quality time, I so want to tell them to make sure they do as once they are gone, its forever, and forever is such a long time…

So, on this Mother’s Day, the fourteenth without you ~ I wish you love wherever you are, and shed a little tear that I can no longer hug you or kiss your face, hold your hand for just a minute more, but will listen carefully to the wind blowing or a bird chirping or spot a beautiful flower particularly the white ones which will remind me that your spirit is around me  and I will look up and remember that strong love you showed me always and be ever so grateful for it as you taught me how to love, deeply and without reservation, a beautiful trait you passed on.

Happy Mother’s Day Mum,

Love and miss you every day

 Janine xx

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