There’s something missing…

Tags

blessings, companion, company, dogs, family pets, Forever pets, friendship, grieving, lessons in life, loss, love, loyalty, mourning, Pets, Tammy girl, unconditional love

I’ve been wondering if I will ever feel brave enough to write down these words but seeing as this blog tells the story of our lives, it must include the sadness when it comes among the triumphs and lessons that make up the whole of it. This one is a lesson of love, unconditionally given by a little four legged girl who, all she wanted was to love and be loved and I hope that for 15 and a bit years, that we did that for her. For what she gave to us as a family over that time, were innumerable moments of love in return, happiness in spades and a loyalty you cannot find elsewhere. In particular during some dark days in our lives, she was always there, providing comfort and a knowing that no matter what, she would always be there…

Four weeks have now passed without the sounds of her little pitter patter across the kitchen floor, her incessant bark when we let her in the back door saying hi when we came home from work, four weeks since we heard the familiar sound of snoring coming from down beside my chair where she would follow me into the lounge room carrying the blanket which meant she could come and rest her head beside me each every night and four weeks since we said goodbye to her for the very last time…

Its so quiet sitting here without you,

I still go to reach down to pat you even though I know you’re not here,

and I never realised that the damn dog next door

sounds just like you used to,

so much so,

that it catches my breath

each time I hear it…

You were such a sweetheart

&

an every day part of my life Tammy girl,

always just here besides me

along with my thoughts,

always with a smile at the end of a long day

always under my feet,

and never far away…

that

I forgot to realise

that someday

this would not always be…

 

Tomorrow, your ashes are coming home

and we will place you in your special garden

at the back door

where you sat

 I will buy a special chair,

with a plaque called

~ Tammy’s garden ~

and it can be a special place

where  we can sit and remember…

Thankyou for your sweetest love.

My beautiful Tammy girl xx

We named her Tammy, I named her actually when we bought her home after going on a family expedition to a shopping plaza to buy a slow cooker with absolutely, no intention of coming home with a puppy for Mel. As a family at the time, we were struggling to understand the unfairness of losing my mother and brother in the same year and needed some much injected happiness into the household after we had tried a few optional animals, hamsters and a bird I sadly managed to kill one frosty morning.

However, that special day over 15 years ago lead us past a pet shop in the days when puppies were still sold from them and on this particular day, found us all looking lovingly at a little brown runt with the cutest little black face shying in the corner of the window. Within half an hour of us walking into that shop, Tammy came home to live with us.

From that moment on Tammy became a very much loved new member of our family. The kids were 9 and 10 years old at the time and a perfect age to welcome this new little member into our household. Tammy was a real family dog, she belonged to us all.

When we first bought her home, Little black face…

 

With all the moves we had over the years and the kids growing up out of primary school, into secondary then becoming adults themselves, Tammy was the one constant in our lives, who just never seemed to change or get any older until this year.  No matter if we were happy or sad, Tammy was always just a part of all the celebrations, all the events with extended family members, she loved mixing with a crowd, happy to sit and join in with games in the back yard. She loved it when the yard was full of all of the kids friends and lounged around with them when they all became teenagers. They all loved Tammy too and were happy to let her hang with them whatever they were doing…

Here she is enjoying one of our backyard parties…

 

Tammy with Mel, the love is so pure…and utterly adorable…

Tammy had two mummy’s, both Mel and I took honour of that title and when we moved away from Melbourne, Tammy stayed with Mel as it was the only home she knew so Mel began taking full care of her for a few years before she came back home to us in her later years.  I believe she helped Matt a lot at home just keeping him company when he was unwell with chronic fatigue. She would sit with him outside and ease some bad days or help him get moving with a bit of exercise throwing her plastic chicken toy around the yard. She had many names as well because we all made up our own fond versions, but she didn’t mind, as long as she was being involved, she would answer to all of them. A few of those versions were: Tammy, Tammy girl, The Tampster, Tammy whammy, buddy old yak, and old lady Tammy was her most recent new name as she became older and grayer in her later years…

Tammy keeping Matt company…never far away…

 

 

Family pets teach families about a lot of things, responsibility, empathy, love for animals and unconditional love, but mostly what Tammy gave to me was her friendship and the knowing that I was her ‘go to’ person.

But sadly, our pets cannot stay with us forever and there comes a time which came for us on the 29th September that we had to make a decision to let her go – a decision which was made because we loved her. We were told a week before that she had advanced Lymphoma and was in pain and because of her age, any treatment was futile. Timing is never good but poor Bill was planning on spending a lot more time with Tammy once he retired, sadly that just wasn’t to be…

I believe Tammy knew on that last day that we were taking her to a place where the pain would soon end. This was her last smile to us, and it says a thousand words…

 

farewell my Tammy girl,

you will be in my heart forever you special soul…

 

 

25…

Tags

25, blessings, celebration, daughters, family, gift, memories, motherhood, parenting, pride, time, true north

 

On the eve of each of my children’s birthdays my mind will forever screen re-runs of every moment, every sound and every thought which ran through my mind as the most important memories of my life are played back to me. I love to indulge in these reruns to ensure I never, ever forget every second of the most important days of my life. This year is no different except that we are marking a special quarter of a century – 25 years ago tomorrow, my baby came into this world and for those interested the story goes like this…

25 years ago in country Victoria, Australia on a cold and wet afternoon at Bendigo Base Hospital a young 27 year old was lying on a gurney waiting to go into theater to give birth to her second child via Cesarean section when she felt the first contractions of her little one’s journey into life possibly set off from her nerves and anticipation of what was coming next.

As excited and nervous thoughts swirled around in her head on whether she would have another boy or if God would bless her with a daughter this time around, she was wheeled in to theatre just before 2pm, her breath shallow and a tear in her eye knowing that this was the last baby she would carry having had decided with her husband that if we were to give our children the best we could then two would be it for us.  I deliberately did not find out the sex of this child I was carrying as my heart was set on a girl after having had my firstborn, a son only 15 months earlier. Had this birth resulted in another boy, that decision above would have been turned on its head. So on that day shortly after I brought another most precious gift into this world ~ a gift which has bought me more joy and pride than I ever thought possible and hands down has been my most important role in this lifetime ~ to be a mother.

August 9th, 1991. I even got to pick the date and this date fell on a Friday so I remember thinking it would be easier for relatives to come and visit on the weekend – little did this young mum realise that after a Caesar she was in no shape for any visitors. Melissa was a ‘breech’ baby which should have warned me then, that this child would have a mind of her own…

And so ‘my Melly‘ was born at 2:10pm and taken away for me to recoup from the anesthetic.  I did not see her for a few hours after she was born.  In that time, her father named her Melissa Jane and welcomed his second daughter into the world. I recall waking up groggily and asking the nurse what did I have. She told me I had a beautiful baby girl named Melissa.  I could hardly believe it, that I had been blessed with my own daughter. I remember being all chocked up and it was a very emotional moment when I asked to see her and Melissa placed into my arms.

It’s hard to believe

that  was 25 years ago…

 so many chapters & memories

we have nurtured and shared together over that time…

So this special post is for you Melly

in celebration of a milestone

and in celebration

of the beautiful woman you have become!

My dearest Melly,…it was a rough start for the two of us at first.I worked out years later that you must have been lactose intolerant even though not one medical doctor picked it up. It took us 6 months & a trip up to sunny Queensland for the two of us to find a routine, contentment and sleep but I can honestly say that after we got over that little hurdle the first 5 years of your life were my absolute favourite even though I have quite a few favourite years :).

As a little girl, you would follow me around the house, a quizzical little girl, always chattering, exploring or doing something new. It was obvious from very early on I had a determined, independent and very creative little daughter.

 

As you grew, so did your imagination.  When you were in primary school, you spent many an hour up an old large oak tree outside of our home in Winston Road pretending you were Pocahontas and that tree was Grandmother Willow.  Sometimes I would make sandwiches and take them to you in that tree and just smile, loving your creative little spirit.

However, it wasn’t until I was called to the principals office to explain why you would draw on the toilet wall in grade 6 and listened to your reasoning so innocently ‘to make it look pretty‘ then I knew you were destined to always be an ‘artist’, it was just so natural for you to create, wherever you were, no matter what the context…

Your teenage years were a bit tougher as you developed a mind of your own at a young age and although I wanted you to become independent and self assured, between 13-16 you did keep me on my toes 🙂 You never would conform to what you perceived to be as traditional activities instead opting to always stretch the boundaries a little and finding your ‘true north‘ following your own philosophies, becoming a vegetarian, joining an all girls soccer team and paving the world in ‘your way’

I was always so proud of you when you would find something new you wanted to try, or a new road to travel, you just kept at it until you were satisfied and if not then you would try something new…this resilience and  unwavering persistence has shaped you to who you are today…

 

With those years behind us, you finished high school and was accepted into Monash University in Melbourne beginning an Arts Degree then later transferring to where your real passion lay, Fine Arts.  I was so proud of you that day getting into Monash, I remember being terribly sick with gastro the morning the results were released and you couldn’t come in the door but stood at the doorway jumping up and down and me so sick and thrilled at the same time but I couldn’t hug you.

I cannot wait to see

where this road takes you

amongst the

Melbourne art world and beyond…

We moved away from Melbourne around this time to start preparing the way for our retirement years. One of the hardest things I have had to do was leave you behind but you were so ready to live your own life without restrictions and I knew that it was time for you to begin planting your own dreams and living them on your terms.

So if I could have one wish come true it would be that the next 25 years move slower than the first and I know that over the next 25 years there is going to be so much more living and growing packed into it.

  I love where you are right now, happy and content and know that you are on the right path pursuing your artist journey and fueling your passion.  And one day, when you have children of your own, you will understand fully, the love that I hold for you in a very special part of my heart. But even now, with you as a ‘grown up’ one thing I know for sure is that I will always carry those special memories and moments we have shared, just the two of us and those all together as a family which live in my mind and heart forever…

Do you remember when you were a little girl and I had to leave you at kindergarten or school we would have a special ritual just between the two of us where we would touch each others hearts and imagine there was an invisible string that attached you to me.  No one but us knew it was there, shining brightly and now that we are apart, it still connects us no matter how long it has been since we’ve talked or wherever you may live over the next 25 years, that  invisible string will always connect us.

So today on your 25th journey around the sun,

I wish you more love and laughter

than you could ever need

and

I wanted to share

25 things

I love about you

most…

1. I love that you are funny, you always make me laugh, really laugh 
2. I love that you still call me ‘Mumma’ 
3. I love your beauty 
4. I love your grace
5. I love that I see your Grandmother in your eyes and high cheek bones
6. I love that you have traits of your Nan, a softness and kind view of the world
7. I love that you are really smart
8. I love that you chose Art as your career
9. I love your art and what you do
10. I love that you are a strong woman and you know your voice
11. I love that you have found love and it makes you grin from ear to ear talking about it
12. I love that I can still tell you my opinion and you listen (or at least pretend to)
13. I love that even though you sometimes think my universal theories are funny, you let me tell you them regardless

14. I love when we can both sit with a red wine and ‘discuss life’
15. I love your quirkiness

16. I love your determination
17. I love listening to your compassion and views on life
18. I love that you use words sometimes I have never even heard of
19. I love that you can cook really really well and make anything from nothing
20. I love it when you visit
21. I love when you stay a while

22. I love that you always teach me something
23. I love that you are not just my daughter but one of my closest friends
24. I love that I will never ever stop loving you
25. And I love that no matter what, you will always follow your ‘true north’ 

Love you to the moon and back

my gorgeous

25 year old!

With love from Mumma xx

 

Growing@mybeachretreat…

Tags

awareness, blessings, dreams, gardening, Gratitude, growing, growth, healthy eating, leaving behind, lessons, letting go, life lessons, looking forward, natural, organic, organic foods, personal growth, produce, real food, spiritual growth, the universe, tomorrow, trust, vegetables

Its ironic really, the way the universe just knows how perfectly to distract you from something which could really pull you down if you let it but in fact,  I have tried this time to not focus on my latest life issue and just let the universe handle the details and while that has been happening I have found a perfect distraction which has grown into a new love I didn’t even realise I was ready to embrace.

So, as my latest  hard lesson of investing in the wrong area and in the wrong type of property came to a head earlier this year and still has a little bit to go, I have learned so much more about myself in the process. I have learned when we look hard enough we can see just how we created the problem to begin with and with that knowledge ask ourselves, what is the lesson here?  In doing this I have learned to trust that no matter how bad a problem appears to be that the universe will help find a solution if we just get out of our own way and let go of trying to control it and through this I also learned to let go of something  I thought was coming into my future with me, but now realise it was never meant to, its sole purpose was to teach me other lessons.

So instead of focusing on what I have lost, I have chosen to feel blessed with so many incredible things I am surrounded with each and every day.  Speaking with a girlfriend earlier today made me realise that our move down here really has been preparing me to slowly but surely discard all that was in our old lives not in a harsh or negative way, for there are so many great memories I will forever cherish from my life in Melbourne but I am learning to be comfortable with the realisation that now I get to create an easier, simpler, existence from the base up and it really can look anyway I like and that I can also change it anytime I want and I am learning in my fifties that the way I wish to now live is with  less stress, free of things I think I must do to please others and making time for myself to do whatever it is I want to do with my free time and its such a nice feeling knowing that I have finally grown into the person I was meant to be all along…

A strange but beautiful pull to begin a garden has appeared in my life this year. I have slowly but surely been guided to start growing a garden, getting rid of what I don’t like and start planting what I do, it feels like we are finally putting our own mark on mybeachretreat, finally moving towards the dream I have in my head of how I want our little home to look like.

Perhaps this is all part

of letting go

of the old

and

planting a future ,

totally from scratch

and organically

from the base up…

Gradually too, I have been moving to a different thought space where food is concerned, converting my family into buying more local and organic produce where we can and aiming to ditch refined sugar and reach for a more natural, organic livelihood where the majority of products are non chemical, free of pesiticides and as close to nature as I can find. I am loving the new adage of organic produce, its simply just real food, something we have forgotten how to look for in the past 30 years.

 

Its a mission which will take a little while to fully convert to but I am on the way. I have been busily planting some winter veggies in pots and garden beds and am excitedly waiting for them to sprout.  In fact I want to take all over any sunny spot we have so I can grow more, once you begin it really is addictive! I call myself a real beginner because I am beginning from scratch, never having planted vegetables before ever, and I am kind enough to myself to realise there will be a learning phase over the next few seasons as I read up and go to free talks at the local nursery as well as talk to anyone who will listen about what to do, when and where 🙂

Eventually, I hope to have many little spots in the garden where my vegies will cultivate year in year out, I feel that once you begin this journey, how could you possibly go back?

So this is the latest little chapter of my life at mybeachretreat.  I always said May was going to be a cleansing month, maybe I might even try a paleo program to recalibrate.  One thing is for sure, I am looking forward to the coming winter months where I can venture outside into my little garden and pick some leeks, carrots and chives to add to a perfect hot pot dinner 🙂

There is still so much to learn

when you open up a new chapter in your life,

and I cant wait

to learn it!

If there is anyone else out there just like me who is new to growing vegies or have always wanted to but just never got around to it, you might find some of these reads helpful:

http://www.seasonedhomemaker.com/easy-vegetables-that-anyone-can-grow/

http://www.ebay.com/gds/10-Garden-Mistakes-that-Waste-Money-/10000000204643632/g.html?roken2=ti.pTWVsaXNzYSBXaWxs

http://www.bhg.com/gardening/vegetable/vegetables/planning-your-first-vegetable-garden/

Forever, Scarlet Ribbons…

Tags

aging, blessings, Dads, daughters, death, dying, family, Fathers, gift, healing, living, love, memories, memory, regrets, role model, scarlet ribbons, teaching

 I peeked in to say goodnight

And then I heard my child in prayer

Send for me some scarlet ribbons
Scarlet ribbons for my hair.

All the stores were locked and shuttered
All the streets were dark and bare
In our town no scarlet ribbons
No scarlet ribbons for her hair.Through the night my heart was aching
Just before the dawn was breaking.I peeked in and on her bed
In gay profusion laying there
Scarlet ribbons, scarlet ribbons
Pretty scarlet ribbons for her hair.If I live to be a hundred
I will never know from where
Came those lovely scarlet ribbons
Scarlet ribbons for her hair…

 

10 years tomorrow Dad, my goodness where has that time gone?

I remember your last few days on earth, boy were you not happy…you had had a minor stroke, something you feared very much as your father had also left this earth the same way.  I was called into the nursing home that night at 1am in the morning only to see you lying on the bed not saying much as they wheeled you away.  The next day we saw you in at St Vincents and you were so mad that you had landed in there.  You were not born in a hospital so never wanted to spend your last days in one either…

My biggest regret Dad was that you had to leave your home, our family home of 40 plus years to go into a nursing home, how I so didn’t want that for you, and either did you as it turns out.  Four days in, you checked out, it wasn’t for you and I understood that, I am only deeply sorry that you suffered the pain of having to make that final choice.

I’m told you are ok, dancing and singing wherever you are, out of pain and with Mum and Michael, so for you all is well. I have learnt that death is just another door and the hardest part of death is for those left behind.  Its taken me 10 years to realise that the three of you are all ok and so must we be too, otherwise the rest of our lives are wasted and that is not what we are meant to do.

I dont dwell on it too much, but I do think of you often and always in a wonderful way. I never want to forget and I often think of you when I am near nature, the sea, the autumn leaves and trees.  I even travelled across to the other side of the world to see and feel the ‘magnificence of God’s work’  – The beauty of autumn always reminds me of you Dad, you were able to always stop and see the beauty of nature amongst your busy life with six children and a sick wife. I believe I got the best parts of you (the only one with your dimpled chin), your sense of humour and ethics and integrity.

I know this has labelled me a ‘goody too shoes’ a few more times that I have liked amongst my siblings.  I have relaxed somewhat over the past few decades, and try not to stress to much about things beyond my control anymore,  instead try to experience calm by surrounding myself with things I love to do.  Death will teach you that – its the one most compelling lesson amidst all the pain that you take away from the loss and that is to start living your life on your terms, go see that movie, put your feet up and read that book, travel wide and far, love deeply, work less not more and make time for all those things you ‘want to do one day’, this is how I am now living my life at mybeachretreat, on my terms, and if I dont want to do something these days, simply I just dont.  I want to live the rest of my life my way and leave this realm without any regrets.

One day, I know we will meet up again, it wont be for a long while though Dad as I have so much left here to do but until then I try to live my life as you did, with kindness, integrity and awe of the amazing opportunity we each get every morning we awake and are still breathing.

So I was thinking today of a lovely way to remember you this year on this 10th Anniversary and thought I would share the best 10 things I loved about you the most..

You were the best Dad a girl could ever wish for –

I know almost every girl says this, but truly, I was definately lucky to experience this love firsthand

You taught me how to love unconditionally

You instilled punctuality into me and honestly I am never late for anything!

You were an amazing Grandad and I am so glad you got to experience this love.  I just hope my children will always remember you as the years go by

You instilled in me goodness and rightfulness much to the annoyance of some

You taught me to never lie, and still today I cannot tell a lie

I have definitely inherited your wit and dry sense of humour and often can hear you in my head finishing a silent joke that if you were here we would both get

I absolutely hated whenever I did something you did not approve of

You taught me to appreciate stillness and the beauty of nature, something I will always be grateful for as it has taught me to stop in this fast world and admire the world around us

You showed me the meaning of a ‘true gentleman’, not many men grace this earth the way you did Dad, you were definitely a rare breed

We had our favourite song, just you and I, called Scarlet Ribbons and on this 10th anniversary as I shed a  quiet tear while I listen to this  old tune again,  who better than Harry Belafonte to sing it home for us…

So, wherever you are Dad,

on this 10th year

with out you in our lives,

I hope you are still singing

this beautiful song 

which will never leave me

as long as I am alive…

 

 

 

 

 

 

My beach retreat cottage…

Tags

beach retreat, blessings, calm, coastal living, colours, cottage, cottage love, dreams, enjoying life, Gratitude, happy place, inspiration, meditation, paint, pre-retirement plans, pretty cottages, renovate, retreat

I have always loved pretty cottages, little nooks, places where you can hide from the rest of the world, indulge and just ‘be’ in the quietness of your pretty place.

At the beginning of 2015 I was blessed to see the build of my very own cottage, my indulgent spot, where I can go and just ‘be me’ without interruptions, expectations or compromise, just me, my books, my meditations and my thoughts right inside my own yard. Its perfect really because if I sit inside there is always something which needs doing or cleaning or sorting…when I go out to the cottage, I retreat, which is why it is aptly named ‘my beach retreat’

My beachretreat cottage came about while I was still commuting to Melbourne, trying desperately to seek some sort of sanity to making a living, I enrolled into a life coaching course with the intent on starting up my own business.  For now I have decide to put that idea on hold while we concentrate on the next 10 years getting ourselves in a better financial position to begin thinking of our retirement. Bill will be turning 57 this month so if we want to do this properly, we need to start planning now.  I will be retired for a long time so can always do something about my coaching idea then.  I have been blessed with a great local job which I know how hard it was to get, I certainly want to hang on to it as long as I can.

The plan when we moved down to the beach was always to sell our Melbourne home and we built the cottage so we would have space for our Melbourne family and visitors to stay when they came to visit overnight and the rest of the time, its mine to play in.

Everyday now, when I walk past the front gate, I glance over at my cottage and it reminds me to always see what you want to come into your life in your minds eye first.  Imagine it, savour it, live it first in your mind, then watch it appear in your life.

One of my all time favourite writers, the late Wayne Dyer wrote, ‘You’ll see it when you believe it” and this I know to be true, the trick is to really believe that you can have whatever it is you are desiring, then let it go, be patient and it will become your reality.

Seeing as this was such an event in my life, I wanted to share it with you and show you ‘the build’  The cabin crew were marvelous and are from N.S.W, a family owned business called Cabin Kits Galore.

Here is the cottage getting built from the ground up – all in a day!

And now the roof goes on…

and this was my classic reaction when I first saw it after a agonising 8 hours at work and travel time to Melbourne and back before I got to see it…

Taking it all in…

I’ve totally lost it here…

Finally when I composed myself, we celebrated with a drink…

Its wonderful to look back on that special day in our lives and recap the raw emotion I felt of utter gratefulness to have something so special to call my own. I often like to recall just how special that day was as it was a moment of pure joy incorporating feelings I love to remember and place into my ‘happy bank of memories’.

We have been busy since that fine January early evening, buying paint, spray guns, tape and other painting paraphernalia to paint the cottage.  It did take us most of the year with trips to Bunnings to look at paint swatches and work out which colour we would both be happy living with.  While we were going back and forth on colours we had lots of fun trips to our favourite stores such as High-Eight in Inverleigh, Vic where we bought our beautiful grey sofa and colourful mat and Early Settler, Geelong, Vic where I picked up a stunning white glass tall cabinet and matching TV cabinet which both look gorgeous.

    

A couple of weeks ago we were finally ready to paint and the first spray of colour went on.

I love it – its called Dulux ‘Rhino Grey’

But I think my favourite of all is the white trim…and what a marvelous job my hubby has done 🙂

Every time I look at my cottage now, It reminds me to forever be grateful for all our dreams and that our lives really can be whatever we want them to be, we just have to want it enough.  So for anyone reading this who has a yearning for something, anything at all, you can have it, you can do it, just keep it at the forefront of your mind, imagine it often and one day you will be looking straight at it.

I had no idea, what our life would look like when we first decided on a whim, to pack up and go live the dream that we had only thought about for 20 years. But here we are nearly three years after that initial decision, both working in beautiful local buildings surrounded by the sea, Bill, now part time and every day we both know it was the best decision we ever made to move out of the city and down the coast. Life has slowed down for both of us, we now have time to smell the roses, and do not feel the stresses of rushing or the madness of traffic jams and crazy drivers.  I just feel a calm living down here now and am incredibly grateful to have found the peace I had been craving for so long.

Now that the cottage is painted, an airconditioner going in for the summer, I will be in there more often as I have a few new goals for next year which will mean some quiet time such as regular meditation and yoga practicing and now I have just the perfect space for these quiet activities.

So,  if anyone is ever looking for me…. its most likely you will find me here…

 

Its the simple things…

Tags

blessings, free, inspiring, joy, life, living life, simple things, summer

   It’s been a long while since I had just plain butter on toast.  This morning I did and it took me back 40 years with the memories of my Dad sitting eating his breakfast each morning; toast with butter and a cup of tea. My Dad was very much a simple man and taught me as a young girl to appreciate ‘the simple things’.  Its lovely how just the simple act of eating toast and having a cuppa can take your mind off to a world which reminds you that ~ mostly its the simple things which makes life easier and wonderful amongst all the other hardships we face…

Since moving to my beach retreat I have been commuting 5 hours per day on top of a day’s work.  I hadn’t intended to commute this long except the employment landscape is not so green out there and the jobs going locally are not very well paid which is why my morning commute on the train to Melbourne is full of people just like me earning a better living 75 km away from where we live.

But each Sunday night I am beginning to feel the familiar dread in the pit of my stomach from the thought of getting up to another week of waking at 5am to drudge into a workplace which I no longer feel I belong to. I guess that is what moving on is all about.  Without realising it, when you want to move on from something or someone, you begin to detach.  Things just don’t seem important anymore.  I feel that I am on the peripheral of the office crowd these days, just biding my time until my new life takes me on another path.

As I write this one of our dearest friends is very ill.  Its times like this that you realise you can’t just go along with life as if you have 100 years left to do whatever you want to do.  My next birthday will see me turn 50.  I can’t believe I am even anywhere near this age but my birth date tells me that I am and the one thing I have learned in my ‘nearly 50 years’ is that life is far too precious wasting it 8 hours or in my case 13 hours a day at a place where your soul is crying out for you to go and do something different. My husband recently found the joy in moving on in his work life.  Its my turn now to let go of what I have done for the past 5 years and take a chance in something new.

Even though I am feeling scared to change jobs again I am inspired by my oldest friend who recently has taken up a hairdressing course, attending TAFE every day, getting experience along the way and forging ahead with her new career.  I am so proud of her after bringing up a family and not working for a few decades to begin something totally new is really refreshing to watch as this determination will launch her into a new career which is something she has always wanted to do but life had not given her the opportunity until now.  It just goes to show that you are never too old for change; you just need to make the first move.

Summer is not far away now, the evenings are becoming longer and the nights will soon become balmier.  I am looking forward to our first summer at my beach retreat.  I plan to sit outside with my hubby in his ‘manshed’ with an ice cold drink, barefoot or with thongs on, loose clothing, hair up after an easy dinner with my books and the early evening breeze whistling through my hair, or take a walk down Beacon Point Road along the cliff top and watch the sun setting over Corio Bay.

Its these  simple things which make me feel so grateful to be here, living at my beach retreat. I want to spend all of my weekends celebrating the simple things which bring me joy and make me smile because that is what we are all here to do.

I think in our busy hectic lives we just sometimes forget this..

Has it been a while since you did something simple which brings you joy and makes you smile?

Discovering who I am…the road back to me…

Tags

age, art, blessings, career choices, chronic fatigue, creativity, downsising, emptynester, getting older, healing, healthy eating, I quit sugar, meditation, painting, passions, slowing down, wisdom, yoga

I think it takes half a life time to really know who you want to be.  Some are lucky enough to know early in their lives and others spend a lifetime searching. I knew very early that I wanted to get married, have children and bring up my family and have spent the last 24 years doing just that, and very happily.

As those years rushed by at incredible speed I really didnt stop to wonder what would come after that. I imagined that I would have both my children living with us until they were about 24/25.  I had not expected to say goodbye to my beautiful Melly so early but in saying that also knew that our move was not somewhere she wanted to follow at her stage of life. Even though we dreamed of it all along, I dont think either of us believed it would happen until circumstances led us to this very spot. I know in my heart that my story still has another few chapters in it, of which I am yet to discover and create…

Growing up as a young girl I was always described as ‘creative’ and I loved art, writing and anything colourful. After I left school I worked in libraries for much of the next 15 years as I had a deep love of books as well as writing and my aspirations at the time was to become a librarian.  I was able to use my creative streak throughout this period as I worked with children as a ‘Children’s library officer’ so I spent years up ladders hanging things I had made, painting children’s book illustrations on windows and generally having the time of my life,  When my own children came along we spent many an hour reading wonderful children’s books, drawing, painting & arts and crafts. I have very vivid memories of myself singing The Wiggles ‘Rockabye your bear‘ at our nightime children’s storytimes which grew to be about 60 children at each event and was very apt at organising games such as “Pin the horn on the stegosaurus.”

So lately I have been wondering…whatever happened to that creative girl?  I know she is still with me, I just haven’t had much time for her over the past two decades.

It seems to me that somehow I traded my freedom/creative spirit for money. I am currently in a job which I do not use this creative side, but I get paid well which has a lot to do with why I am still there. I recognise that this can be a dangerous thing but I also know that my family would not be where we are without it. I need to learn what I can do to make it less of a burden on me emotionally and believe I am in the right place right now to establish ourselves so that we can live ‘the dream’  we have created for our future.

I do know, however that one area has ignited my passion again and that is investing in realestate. I am heading to Sydney at the end of this year to take part in a rennovations workshop held by Cherie Barber, Australia’s renovation queen. I hope to learn some tricks of the trade to enable me to pursue this passion more seriously.

 There are lots of things I want to do with my beach retreat, all of which cost money. My dilema in finding local work, I know will come with a pay cut and I hear you say that money is not everything but right now, after this move, it will help to settle us back into a good financial position and I can renovate the house while still commuting. I have had a look around at the job options closer to home and unless I decide to complete my degree and move up to a supervisory role (of which I definately do not want in this stage of my life), I will have to cut salary.  With this in mind, I need to have certain things around the house done otherwise you end up never doing them and I have already lived in a house half renovated, this time I plan to finish.

I definately know in my future I want the freedom and finances to do what I want, and not be tied down to a job in exchange for money.  I want to invest in realestate and write and paint and travel to beautiful parts of our world before my time is up.  I want to be an ‘author’ – ‘there’s no money in that’ my son told me yesterday.  It made me wonder just how many of us give up our dreams because someone tells you its not a good idea. I know for a fact that we wouldnt be living here in our beautiful cottage if we had listened to those who said it wasnt possible.

With this in the forefront of my mind,  I have decided to try a little experiment and set some goals in place that will eventually lead my road back to ‘me’ One thing I am embarking on soon is the 8 week challenge of giving up sugar through Sarah Wilson‘s ‘I quit sugar program’.  You can buy Sarah’s books on my blog if you think you would like to try some sugar free cooking.  Those who know me well know I have a sweet tooth and l am addicted to sugar so this is one of the goals I have set for myself to become sugar free and begin to live a lot healthier. It ties in with my yearning to slow down and get myself healthy through regular yoga and meditation. The 8 week challenge begins this month on the 26th August so now I have committed to it in writing I am accountable to succeeding as I have tried this before and fallen back on the sweets again and I am really determined to help Matt beat his chronic fatigue and that means better eating for all of us.

I kindly remind myself that you cannot make strategic moves such as we have recently done without being a bit stretched for a while so I need to accept this first and know that for the foreseeable future I still need my job to spend the time getting to a space where I can comfortably drop salary.

I need to look at my place of work as a blessing, a way to get back on track, this will create a positive vibe each day as I head out the door. Then I can look closer to home for a job perhaps which is only 4 days a week (one of my many goals is to eventually work part time). For now I know I must remain grateful that I have a good job and work with good people.  One of my favourite motivational authors, Louise Hay tells us that when we wish to move on from relationships or a job or be in a different place, be grateful and feel blessed by where you are, it is this action which will help you to move to where you wish to be.  So I am going to stop the grumblings that go on in my head at 5.10 each morning, feel blessed that I have a good job to go to each day which is paying my mortgage and all the lovely things that I wish for.

Later on, in the not too distant future I will have the feedom to slow down and live how I have always wanted, I need to accept that I am not quite there yet but heading there, and its then in that space and time my creative side will be able to shine once again, I will be able to write more, create more, paint and cook more, take up new hobbies such as photography yoga and meditation & learn to live a healthy clean life…now that sounds more like the ‘me‘ I know…